Grief can be a crushing experience, and everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. We tend to think of grief as something that happens after a loved one dies; while that is a common cause for grief, grief can come in many forms. You may grieve the loss of a significant relationship — whether romantic or friendship. When moving or leaving a job, you may grieve your former environment. People who have experienced trauma sometimes grieve the person they were before their trauma.
Grief is characterized by an intense sadness surrounding the loss of something or someone that was important to you. It can also have repercussions on your physical and cognitive health. Here’s what to expect when experiencing grief:
The Real “Stages” or Components of Grief
There is a common understanding of grief that it comes in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This was the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who specialized in near-death experiences, informing much of what we know now. What is less commonly known is that Kubler-Ross’s five stages specifically referred to the way individuals confront their own death, not the death of others.
Although the “five stages” of grief can sometimes be helpful for those who are grieving, recent studies have shown that there are no real universal stages of grief. Grief is different for everyone who experiences it. You may experience those stages in any order, with any recurrence, or you may experience some of them not at all.
What is more accurate are the components of grief, as found by researcher Sidney Zisook. These components appear differently for different people but are found in most iterations of grief.
Separation Distress
This is the emotional distress you may feel upon separation from whatever you are grieving. Sadness, loneliness, and anxiety are common with separation distress. You have to contend with both the present state of separation as well as the permanence or longevity of the situation. Separation distress can also come with feelings of anger or shame.
Traumatic Distress
Traumatic distress is an emotional distress that comes primarily with the shock of the grief. This can occur even if the grief was expected, as with a terminal illness. This is similar to the “denial” stage of grief from Kubler-Ross’s model as it is often characterized by disbelief. In the midst of traumatic distress, you may experience intrusive thoughts or feelings which you may develop coping strategies to avoid.
Remorse
Grief almost always comes with some form of “would have, should have, could have.” When a person leaves your life — by death or otherwise — you may find yourself thinking about all the things you never said or did with them. On the other hand, you might find yourself regretting fights you had or ways that you had treated them. Grief can come with a sense of guilt, wondering if the event that caused the grief would have happened had you made a different choice.
These feelings of remorse can be detrimental to your mental health and self-esteem. Speaking with a grief counselor or a therapist can help you to cope without blaming yourself for the grief.
Social Withdrawal
It may be difficult to socialize in the midst of grief. Often, it feels frustrating to see everyone moving on with their daily lives as though nothing is wrong while you feel stuck in place. This can lead to social withdrawal by those who are grieving.
This social withdrawal can be good in moderation. It can offer you a chance to reflect and process your feelings. However, too much social withdrawal can increase a sense of loneliness, exacerbating your grief. Stepping back briefly may be helpful but be careful not to detach entirely.
How Long Does Grief Last?
You may find yourself missing the person, situation, or thing that you have lost for years to come or for the rest of your life. For many, there is a feeling of shame that they haven’t already “moved on,” but again, everyone’s grief process is different. It is common for grief to last upwards of a year. Even after you’ve accepted the situation, you may still feel sad from time to time.
Grief can be divided into “acute grief,” “complicated grief,” and “integrated grief.” Acute grief is characterized by the intense feelings you experience immediately and soon after the loss. These feelings include:
- Anger and bitterness
- Anxiety
- Difficulty concentrating
- Guilt, remorse, or shame
- Loneliness and yearning
- Sadness
Acute grief can last for months. The greater the loss, the longer acute grief can last. This can lead to a condition called complicated grief, in which the symptoms of acute grief are prolonged, preventing you from healing. In the midst of complicated grief, you may struggle to find your normal routine again, may isolate yourself for long periods of time, or may feel that your life is not worth living in the midst of your loss. When experiencing complicated grief, it’s important to reach out for help from a mental health provider who can help you process your grief and learn to cope.
Finally, as you learn to process and cope with your grief, you find that you are able to integrate your grief into the rest of your emotional makeup. Integrated grief does not mean that you have “gotten over” the loss. Rather, integrated grief refers to working that grief into who you are as a person now. You may be changed from the way you were before the loss.
Part of integrated grief is acceptance that your life is different now, that you yourself may be different. You may still sometimes feel sad or lonely when thinking about the loss, but you are able to resume daily life and activities — even if they look different than they once did.
Find Support in Processing Your Grief With Rivia Mind
Processing grief can feel immeasurably challenging. The good news is you don’t have to go through it alone. Our skilled, compassionate mental health providers at Rivia Mind are here to help you. Contact us today to learn more or to book an appointment with one of our providers.
