Clinically reviewed by Sara Pettit, LCSW
New year, new grade. Two children with last names that start with “A” are assigned seats next to each other. A week later, they’re inseparable. It happens so fast it almost looks effortless. Why can’t it be that simple once you’re grown up?
An essential part of friendship formation is proximity. Being physically close to someone provides the repeated exposure necessary to turn a stranger into an acquaintance and, eventually, a friend.¹ For children, that structure is built into daily life: the same classroom, the same seat, the same kids, five days a week.
Researchers have argued that most friendships arise from passive contact. Exposure creates familiarity, and familiarity increases liking. School delivers that automatically.
Adult life introduces an entirely different set of rules.
We change jobs, move cities, and work from home. The organic, low-stakes contact that once built friendships disappears, replaced by social bonds that require deliberate action.
As life gets busier — and we enter seasons when we could really use a friend — many adults hit a wall. We lose the energy to cultivate new connections while letting old ones fall away. Simultaneously, we long for friendships as effortless as those from our childhood and wonder if not having any is affecting us more than we realize.
Why Adult Friendships Matter
According to one study, adults lose roughly half their close friends every seven years.2 Meanwhile, a meta-analysis found that social relationships are as significant a factor in longevity as smoking, obesity, and physical activity.3
What happens in their absence is just as striking. Lonely adults are at more than twice the risk of developing new-onset depression compared to those who are not.4
That pattern persists despite geography. One multinational study across eight countries found that loneliness was strongly associated with depression and generalized anxiety across diverse settings and was especially common among younger adults.5
Loneliness isn’t just uncomfortable. Over time, it becomes a health risk. Investing in friendship is one of the more concrete things a person can do for their long-term mental and physical health.
How Long Does It Take to Make a Friend?
A University of Kansas professor put numbers to something many adults feel but rarely acknowledge — friendship takes time.
His research found it takes roughly 50 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 to reach friend status, and more than 200 hours before someone can be considered a close friend.⁶
Importantly, those hours reflected unstructured time hanging out, joking around, and catching up without an agenda. That kind of connection-building matters more than simply logging hours side by side, like working multiple shifts with a colleague.
For context, American adults average 8.4 hours of work each weekday but spend less than an hour socializing.⁷, ⁸
If you don’t have as many close friends as you wish, don’t beat yourself up. Friendship takes consistency and the kind of free time that modern life doesn’t make easy to find.
When Mental Health Makes It Harder to Build Friendships
Sometimes the barrier isn’t just timing, logistics, or a busy schedule. It can be social anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism spectrum traits, or other mental health factors that shape how a person relates to others, interprets social cues, or navigates the effort friendship requires.
Addressing social anxiety through therapy can reduce avoidance and make social situations feel manageable. Treatment and support for adults with ADHD can also improve confidence, communication, and relationship functioning. For autistic adults, both the quantity and quality of friendships are associated with lower loneliness and may help protect self-esteem while reducing depression and anxiety alongside therapy.9,10,11
In other words, caring for your mental health can do more than reduce symptoms. When treatment helps someone feel regulated, less avoidant, more confident, or better able to navigate social uncertainty, it can also make it easier to build and maintain the kinds of relationships that support long-term well-being.
Five Tips for Making Friends as an Adult
So we know that adult friendships are important and difficult to come by. We know that better mental health comes with connection, but that certain conditions can make finding new friends harder than it already is.
Here are some concrete steps you can take to help bring people into your life — with mental health in mind.
1. Open up.
Making room for new people requires openness to unfamiliar situations and a willingness to be vulnerable. Acknowledging that you want more connection and deciding it’s worth pursuing is where it starts.
If anxiety is a factor: Anxiety can turn a simple desire into an overwhelming project. When that happens, ignore the big picture and choose one thing: a fitness class, a trivia night, a message to someone you’ve been meaning to reach out to.
If you’re navigating depression: Depression can reframe the absence of connection as proof that you’re better off without it. If that thought shows up, treat it as a symptom rather than a conclusion, and do something anyway — like texting someone you miss.
If you’re neurodivergent: Recognizing unmet social needs can take longer when the signals look different. If you notice increased irritability or a stronger urge to withdraw, it may be worth asking whether you’ve had enough meaningful social contact lately.
2. Prioritize repetition over perfection.
Friendship is built through repeated, low-pressure contact over time. Join something — a recreational sports league, a volunteer group, a faith community — not because you’ll immediately connect with everyone there, but because mutual interests and consistent presence create the conditions for relationships to grow.
If anxiety is a factor: Predetermined activities take social pressure off. You’re there to do something specific, and conversation happens around it. And if you genuinely enjoy the activity, it won’t feel like a loss if you don’t happen to click with anyone right away.
If you’re navigating depression: Depression can drain your motivation to show up before you’ve had the chance to experience what showing up might give you. Starting smaller than you think you need to — one class, one time — can inspire you to pursue more.
If you’re neurodivergent: Predictable, recurring environments reduce the cognitive overhead of new social situations. Knowing the format, people, and location ahead of time can make it easier to relax and more likely to connect.
3. Nurture acquaintances.
We consistently underestimate how much the people on the edges of our lives might welcome a deeper connection. The gap between “person I know” and “friend” is often just one invitation. Be the one who extends it.
If anxiety is a factor: Anxiety tends to catastrophize the ask. Most people feel flattered, not burdened, when someone wants to spend time with them. A polite no is not a verdict on you. It usually just means not now, or not this person.
If you’re navigating depression: If you feel like reaching out won’t lead to anything meaningful, remember that getting to know an acquaintance a little at a time can improve well-being. Daily interactions — with a barista, neighbor, or familiar face at the gym — can create feelings of happiness and belonging.
If you’re neurodivergent: A direct, specific invitation, like “Want to grab coffee Thursday?” is easier to send and respond to than open-ended suggestions. Clarity is a kindness to both people.
4. Use digital spaces intentionally.
Online communities like friend-making apps, digital penpal spaces, and meetup groups built around shared interests can lead to real friendship.
Research supports this. Emerging adults often use shared values to guide friendship formation when in-person behavioral cues are limited, with the strongest bonds forming around openness and shared ways of seeing the world.12
But while digital spaces can help create familiarity and initial rapport, many of the emotional and mental health benefits of friendship deepen through repeated real-world interaction.
That doesn’t mean every online connection needs to become an offline one. The key is being intentional. Use online spaces to find overlap, build comfort, and create momentum. Then, look for opportunities to deepen things beyond the screen.
If anxiety is a factor: You don’t need to be perfect to be likeable. It’s easy to over-edit yourself into saying nothing at all. Try writing the message and sending it — typos and all — before you reread it multiple times.
If you’re navigating depression: A low-effort online interaction, such as a comment, reply, or short message, can be a realistic starting point on days when more feels impossible.
If you’re neurodivergent: Structure helps. Look for communities with defined roles that make it easier to know when and how to contribute. That can reduce anxiety, build confidence, and make the move to in-person more manageable.
A note on safety: If you do decide to meet, choose a public place, let someone know where you’ll be, and trust your instincts. Safety should always come before social pressure.
5. Protect the friendships you already have.
Adult friendships often fade because they don’t have a built-in foundation. Without school, the office, or another recurring point of contact, staying close takes intention. Once you accept that adult friendship requires effort, it becomes easier to treat it like anything else that matters: something you make time for on purpose.
If anxiety is a factor: Anxiety can make ordinary gaps in communication feel loaded, especially if someone takes a while to respond or plans don’t come together right away. Try not to use silence as evidence that something is wrong. If you want clarity, go for directness over interpretation — reach out, make a concrete plan, or assume neutral until you know otherwise.
If you’re navigating depression: When energy is low, focus on maintenance instead of momentum. A meme, a voice note, or a simple “I’ve been quiet, but I care about you” can preserve closeness during harder stretches and make it easier to reconnect later.
If you’re neurodivergent: Building explicit reminders or routines around staying in touch is a practical system. The care is there; sometimes the brain needs a scheduled prompt to act on it.
Friendship is protective for many people. And if mental health challenges are making adult friendship difficult, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It may just be your sign that you deserve support.
At Rivia Mind, our clinicians look at biology, psychology, and the realities of your life — together. If something is making connection harder than it should be, we’re here to help. Contact us to find a provider who’s right for you.
FAQs
Is it normal to have no friends as an adult?
It’s more common than most people realize, and often the result of things you can work on, if desired.
Adulthood can dramatically alter our social landscapes, making opportunities to connect with others few and far between. Environmental factors play a big role, but so can neurodivergence, learned behaviors, anxiety, and cultural barriers.
Mental health and relationships are deeply intertwined. Noticing an absence of friendships and wanting something different is a healthy impulse. Talking to a therapist can help identify what’s getting in the way.
Can loneliness cause depression?
Yes.¹³ However, it’s not a straight line from loneliness to diagnosable depression.
Loneliness is a significant risk factor for depression and other psychiatric and physical disorders. It’s also subjective — some people feel deeply lonely despite having full social lives, while others are happy with very little contact. What matters is whether you find the connections in your life nurturing and meaningful.
Depression, in turn, can deepen isolation and create a cycle that’s hard to break. The earlier either is addressed, the less traction the cycle gets. If you’ve been experiencing withdrawal and low mood together for a while, it might be time to explore support.
How do you make friends as an adult when you have ADHD or autism?
The social structures that make friendship easier — predictable settings, clear cues, low-stakes repetition — matter even more when you have ADHD or autism.
ADHD and friendships can absolutely coexist, with follow-through being the main challenge. Building in external reminders and keeping plans concrete and time-specific can close the gap.
For autistic adults, predictability helps. Recurring environments reduce the cognitive load of navigating new situations each time, leaving room to relax and connect. Seek out spaces built around a shared interest or activity where you already know the format, people, and what’s expected of you.
What's the difference between being lonely and being introverted?
Introversion is a personality trait that describes where you draw your energy from. Introverts may find large social gatherings draining while gaining value from solitude and quiet environments. That doesn’t mean they don’t want or need connection. Many have deeply fulfilling friendships; they just prefer them in smaller doses.
Loneliness happens when your social needs aren’t being met, regardless of how many people are in your life. It can show up as restlessness, a low mood, or a sense that something is missing.
If being alone feels like a preference, it probably is. If it’s unwanted, that’s a sign to explore finding ways to connect with others more.
Can therapy help if you feel lonely or socially isolated?
Yes, and in more ways than one. Many people find relief after seeking therapy for loneliness because it offers a consistent, supportive relationship while addressing what’s making connection difficult in the first place.
When treatment helps someone feel less avoidant, better regulated, or equipped to navigate social uncertainty, a greater capacity for friendship tends to follow. Caring for your mental health and building meaningful relationships often support and reinforce each other.
References:
- Faur S and Laursen B (2022) Classroom Seat Proximity Predicts Friendship Formation. Front. Psychol. 13:796002. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.796002
- Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research. Half Of Your Friends Lost In Seven Years, Social Network Study Finds.
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB (2010) Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Med 7(7): e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
- Mann F, Wang J, Pearce E, et al. Loneliness and the onset of new mental health problems in the general population. Soc Psychiatry Psychiatr Epidemiol. 2022;57(11):2161-2178. doi:10.1007/s00127-022-02261-7
- Abdalla, S.M., Banda, B., Pickerel, M. et al. Loneliness, depression, and generalized anxiety across eight countries. Soc Psychiatry Psychiatr Epidemiol (2026). https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-025-03029-5
- Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296.
- Bureau of Labor Statistics. American Time Use Survey — 2024 Results.
- Pew Research Center. How Do U.S. Men and Women Spend Their Time?
- American Psychological Association. The risks of social isolation.
- Wu T and Wang D (2025) Experiences of friendship among autistic adults: a scoping review. Front. Psychiatry 16:1523506. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2025.1523506
- ADHD Awareness Month. What Social Challenges Might Adults with ADHD Face?
- Karl, J. A., Sneddon, J., & Fischer, R. (2026). Navigating Friendship Formation in the Digital Era: The Role of Value Congruence in Emerging Adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 0(0).
- Mushtaq R, Shoib S, Shah T, Mushtaq S. Relationship between loneliness, psychiatric disorders and physical health ? A review on the psychological aspects of loneliness. J Clin Diagn Res. 2014;8(9):WE01-WE4. doi:10.7860/JCDR/2014/10077.4828
