Sometimes the hardest person for us to have compassion for is ourselves. This is especially true after facing a trauma. Trauma changes you, quite literally changing the chemistry in your brain. But too often, after a trauma, people expect themselves to move on right away and become angry when they don’t.
The truth is self-compassion can be a key component of healing from trauma and building emotional resilience. By withholding it from yourself, you may actually be allowing your trauma to worsen. But learning self-compassion isn’t easy. In this blog, let’s break down everything you need to know.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is, in its simplest form, pretty self-evident. It is compassion that you extend towards yourself: having grace with yourself when you make mistakes, acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments, and treating yourself with the same kindness that you would treat a friend. This can be very difficult for people who suffer from low self-esteem or who have experienced chronic invalidation. In the wake of a trauma, self-compassion can be even more difficult.
One element of self-compassion is removing judgment from the way you look at yourself and your trauma. It’s easy to look at what you could have done differently, what you should have known, or what you might have said. Instead, let that past self go and focus on what you will do in the future. Accept that what happened happened and judging yourself won’t change it. It can, however, inform you for the future. Self-compassion also involves looking at your trauma and accepting that it wasn’t your fault, that nothing you did wrong made you deserving of what happened to you.
How Self-Compassion Builds Emotional Resilience
When you suffer from PTSD, you may feel as though you’re stuck in a loop. You feel fragile and breakable, and everything seems to be a threat. Emotional resilience is the skill that you most need to build in order to heal. And self-compassion can help with that.
It’s a vicious cycle sometimes: you come across a trigger unexpectedly, respond badly, and then beat yourself up for responding badly. This only reinforces the idea that you are weak and fragile, that you’ll never be able to heal from your trauma. So when you expect little from yourself, that’s how you’ll react.
When you have self-compassion, you’re more likely to acknowledge both your strengths and your vulnerabilities. You can recognize when you’re in a situation that might be especially tough for you, and you can also recognize what skills you have that will help you self-soothe. You may be better able to set boundaries when you believe you deserve it, and more willing to know when you need to step back and take a break. You’ll also be more willing to seek out positive things in your life when you believe you are worthy of them, and this accumulation of positives can help you build resilience, too.
Tips For Practicing Self-Compassion
So how can you get better at practicing self-compassion? It may take some time to learn, and you may slip up a few times along the way. Forgiving yourself for those moments is part of learning self-compassion. Here are a few tips to help you get into the habit.
Find a Form of Therapy That Focuses on Acceptance
If you struggle with self-compassion, it may be hard to jump into a therapy that pushes for change right away. Acceptance is a key part of healing. Forms of therapy like dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) both have strong themes of self-acceptance before dealing with a commitment to change. This includes accepting your poor coping mechanisms and how they may have helped you in the first place.
Give Yourself Permission To Mess Up
Whether you give yourself permission or not, at some point you’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms or you’re going to lash out at someone who was trying to help you or make some other mistake. Progress is not linear. Sometimes you’ll backslide even after you thought you were doing well. And that’s okay. It might be painful, and you should acknowledge that, too. But mistakes are part of what it is to be human. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time, but if you don’t, forgive yourself for that, too.
Consider How You Treat Your Friends
Think about how you would react if someone said the things you say about yourself, but about one of your friends instead? Would you rush to their defense? Comfort them and remind them of all the things you love about them? So why don’t you do the same for yourself? The reason is often that we struggle to see ourselves as worthy of the same compassion that we offer our friends. But think about it as you go about your day. When negative thoughts come up, say, “Would I let someone say this about my best friend?” If not, why do you?
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a practice that is intended to ground you in the present moment, becoming more aware of the sensations around you as well as your thoughts and feelings. When practicing mindfulness, you may notice self-critical comments as they arise rather than letting them build. Take a moment to examine them, to question them. Respond to them with compassion. Then let them go. If you’re interested in mindfulness, there are also mindfulness meditations specifically geared towards self-compassion.
Cut Out Self-Deprecation
Self-deprecation has become so normalized that we often talk negatively about ourselves in small talk or as a “joke.” There are benefits to being able to laugh at yourself, certainly. However, when you constantly joke about how “stupid” or “awful” you are, on some level that narrative becomes ingrained in you.
While it likely won’t be done all at once, try to cut out self-deprecation as much as you can. Instead of saying “I’m so stupid” when you miss something obvious, you might jokingly say, “Wow, I’m a genius.” Even if it’s sarcastic, the change in language could make a difference.
Write Some Positive Affirmations or “Releasing” Statements
Positive affirmations serve as a mantra to validate yourself and remember your strengths. Some forms of positive affirmations might be:
- I am strong and resilient
- I am capable of growth
- I am doing my best
- I am loved and worthy of love
Although at first they might ring hollow, the point of positive affirmations is to make a habit of them. Consider writing out three positive affirmations each day. As you get into the habit, they may come more easily.
Alternatively, you can try “releasing” statements, which are more a form of self-forgiveness on bad days. For instance, if you’re beating yourself up for being triggered by something seemingly small, a releasing statement might be, “My vulnerabilities are different than the vulnerabilities of others, and that’s okay.” It’s accepting your reality and releasing yourself from judgment.
The skilled and compassionate clinicians at Rivia Mind are here to help you when it comes to learning self-compassion and building emotional resilience with evidence-based therapies. Contact Rivia Mind today to learn more or to find a provider.
