A study conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 67.5% of failed marriages fell apart due to poor communication between the couple. Lack of communication has often been cited as one of the leading causes of divorce, if not the leading reason. Why?
It’s important for us to feel understood in our relationships. It can be frustrating or embarrassing when those around us misunderstand us. Miscommunications can lead to hurt feelings and fights. As misunderstandings deepen, so does the rift between people. But in order to understand each other and make ourselves understood, there has to be strong communication skills.
Even if your communication begins strong, it can fall apart as the relationship goes on. Living together can bring you face to face with your differences, and anxieties such as a fear of being neglected can make it difficult to speak your mind. But navigating communication without fighting is essential for your relationship. Here are a few ways to communicate better in relationships.
#1 – Listen To Them
Communication is never a one-way street. If you want to better communicate with those around you, you need to be willing to listen to them. Sometimes — especially when we know someone well, it can be easy to assume we know how they’re feeling or what they mean. But those understandings should always come second to listening to what they actually say.
Don’t just listen to find something you can respond to. Listen to understand. Pay attention to what’s important to your loved ones. Reflect that back to them so that they know you’ve listened to them and can clarify if they’ve been misunderstood. They will recognize and appreciate the difference.
#2 – Validate Their Feelings
No one likes to be told that their feelings are stupid or that they’re overreacting to something. Doing so will never be productive to any conversation. Instead, take time to understand where they’re coming from and validate their feelings — even if those feelings don’t represent your reality.
For instance, if someone you love felt hurt by something you said or did, regardless of whether or not that was your intention, validate that. Apologize that you caused hurt, intentional or not. Don’t linger too long on explaining what you actually meant, but instead focus on ways that you might communicate better in the future.
#3 – Ask Questions
In addition to listening to those around you, make sure you ask questions rather than simply answering theirs. This is a wonderful way to show those around you that you care about them, that you’re interested in how they’re doing. Ask open-ended questions, like “How was your day?” so that they might feel invited to share more information if they feel comfortable. Sometimes you may only get one-word answers, and that’s okay. Leaving the door open is still a way to express your investment in your relationship.
#4 – Stop Expecting a Mindreader
Sometimes we can feel frustrated if we’re struggling and those around us don’t seem to notice. This can amplify a sense of isolation or a fear that they simply don’t care. The truth is that they might not know. Have you expressed to your partners or friends that you’re struggling or answered honestly when they asked how you were doing?
No one is a mindreader, and it’s unfair to expect that they should “just know” what you’re going through if they know you well enough. You have a responsibility to express your needs and feelings if you want those around you to help you. It can be difficult to be this vulnerable, but it’s the most effective option.
#5 – Be Honest
If you aren’t fine, don’t tell those around you that you are. This is not only unproductive, but over time, it can build resentment. Because you don’t verbalize your needs, your needs aren’t met, and you may find yourself frustrated and wanting to leave. Instead, try being honest in your communication, even if that means having an uncomfortable conversation.
Of course, that’s easier said than done. You may have anxiety around the idea of social conflict that leads you to remain passive and bottle things up. Start small and build up. For big issues, consider instituting something like a journal with your partner, where you can take time to collect your thoughts before you explain what might be troubling you.
#6 – Let Go of Judgment
When we are frustrated with someone, it’s easy to want to reprimand them, to tell them all the ways that they’re wrong and how frustrated you are. That’s also an easy way to put them on the defensive. Instead, let go of your judgment and focus on the facts. Instead of saying things like, “you always [behavior]!” speak to a specific issue, and only bring up one thing at a time. Make sure that you’re letting them know that you’re bringing the issue to their attention not to make them feel bad but so that you can work out a solution together.
#7 – Use “I” Statements
When bringing an issue to your partner or someone important in your life, make use of “I” statements. This means that instead of making accusations or assumptions about how they feel, you simply speak to how you feel.
Consider this example of two friends discussing the pattern one friend has of showing up whenever they have plans. A poor way to handle it would be to say, “You’re always so late! It’s like you don’t even care about spending time with me!” Instead, consider saying, “Our time together is important to me. When you show up late, it makes me feel insignificant or bothersome.” You may not be able to read your friend’s mind, but you can tell them how you feel, and they can respond in kind.
Communication isn’t easy, but the more you practice healthy communication, the stronger your relationship will become. Sometimes issues with communication come from underlying mental health issues, such as anxiety. When you need counseling or therapy to strengthen your communication and interpersonal relationships, Rivia Mind can help. Contact us today to learn more or to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
