Relationships with in-laws tend to get a bad rap in the media, but in real life things are of course much more nuanced. Some people have an excellent relationship with their in-laws and may even stay in touch with them after a divorce. For others, however, this relationship can be a bit complicated at times. It may be hard to enforce boundaries or express yourself around your in-laws for fear of it reflecting poorly on your relationship with your spouse. Or your in-law may have a complicated relationship with their child and your spouse.
Just like any other relationship, it’s important to be able to communicate effectively. In today’s blog, let’s discuss some tips for managing your relationships with your in-laws in a healthy way.
Set Boundaries and Stick To Them
Meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time can be intimidating, so it’s always a relief when you hit it off with them and even become close to your in-laws. However, if you don’t set healthy boundaries, that closeness can lead to challenges over time. Your in-laws may feel more comfortable inserting themselves into your relationship with your spouse or offering well-intentioned but misguided advice. This can cause your relationship with them to suffer, as well as the relationship with your spouse.
Early on, try to set boundaries. Express that you’re doing so in order to better enjoy your familial relationship with each other, rather than trying to drive a wedge in it. When those boundaries are in danger, kindly but firmly reinforce them.
Talk To Your Spouse
One issue that often exacerbates complicated relationships with in-laws is failing to communicate with your spouse about those issues. This can be difficult. Your spouse may feel protective of their family or may have past experiences that lead them to feel anxious about conflict with their family. These are things that you should talk about openly beforehand so you can be on the same page. Your spouse likely doesn’t want you to feel uncomfortable around their family; if you two can speak about things calmly and support each other, it will ease much of the tension.
Talk To Your In-Laws
Likewise, there needs to be open communication with your in-laws. Many people feel nervous about communicating openly and honestly with their in-laws for fear of offending them, especially when there are cultural differences. You might not have to bring up every single thing that bothers you a little, but you should sit with your feelings and decide: is this something that I can tolerate long-term if it becomes a long term issue? Is a one-off statement due to a bad day or a pattern of behavior that needs to be addressed?
If it’s something that needs to be addressed, you don’t want to let things fester. Rather than building resentment, work within your boundaries and their boundaries to communicate how you’re feeling and come up with a solution.
Set Aside Time For You and Your Spouse
When you get married, your spouse becomes your family — and so does their family. But extended family is one thing. The relationship you have with your spouse is another. In the early years, especially if you get along well with your in-laws, you may see a lot of them. This may be lovely most of the time, but make sure you and your spouse get time to yourself, as well. If you decide to have children, make sure you have traditions and moments together that are just for your nuclear family so that core relationship can remain strong.
Be Respectful and Empathetic
Your spouse’s family has their own dynamic that existed long before you came into the picture, just like your family has their own dynamic. But your spouse’s family’s traditions, communication, and dynamics might look very unfamiliar to your own.
It can be easy to become judgmental or frustrated with this difference, but remember that this family has their own unique history with each other. Try to look at them with empathy and respect them. Meet them where they are, rather than trying to hold them to your own standards. That doesn’t mean that you should put up with unhealthy and harmful behaviors towards yourself or your spouse. But try to put yourself in their shoes before you address them.
Search For Things You Have In Common
Your in-laws may be very different from you, but you have at least one thing in common: your spouse, their child. If you can, try to find other things you have in common. It might be small interests, similar backgrounds, talents, and so on. You can forge your relationship with your in-laws based on these common grounds, just like you would with any other relationship.
Make Room For Cultural Differences
If your spouse comes from a completely different culture from yours, there can sometimes be some friction and culture clash. Try to handle these calmly and with an open mind. Be willing to learn about your spouse’s culture, and invite their family to share in your own culture. Be respectful, and if someone is hurt by something you say or do because of their culture, listen to them and learn from them. Learning the culture that raised someone important to you can be a beautiful experience, and it’s important to embrace that with love and care.
Sometimes communication and interpersonal relationships may be difficult due to past experience. Therapy can help you to strengthen your interpersonal skills and communicate more effectively through tense or uncomfortable moments. Rivia Mind is here to help with a wide range of skilled and compassionate mental health providers. Contact us today to learn more or schedule an appointment with a provider.
