Healthy relationships can be difficult to achieve, especially when you have maladaptive attachment styles or when you’ve developed a sense of codependency. It’s important not to blame yourself for becoming codependent on a particular relationship. Circumstances can arise, such as a shared trauma or being in close quarters for long periods of time (as with the COVID-19 pandemic) that can encourage codependency or exacerbate it where it exists. It’s also very common. Possibly as much as 90% of Americans display codependent symptoms.1
The good news is that codependency can be overcome. You may even be able to maintain the relationship in a healthier way on the other side of it. So let’s talk about breaking free of codependency.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is sometimes known as “relationship addiction.” It is an emotional and behavioral condition in which you devote yourself so fully to a person or relationship that your identity and sense of self-worth becomes dependent on them. You may put all your effort into “saving” the other person or meeting all of their needs. You may enable their poor behavior or fail to stand up for yourself just to avoid conflict.
For a codependent person, the idea of the object of their codependency leaving them is terrifying. It can make them feel unmoored, and they may act desperately or even manipulatively in order to keep the person with them. They may also break off other relationships for the sake of their partner.
Codependent tendencies are often a learned behavior, and people prone to codependency may find themselves repeating the same pattern in new relationships. This can get in the way of forming healthy relationships and a healthy sense of self-worth.
What Causes Codependency?
Often, codependency is a learned behavior. You may learn it from your parents or from other relationships around you at a formative age. It may also be learned in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. If you were in a relationship with someone who was manipulative and constantly threatening to leave or hurt you as a means of control, you might have learned that you needed to meet their needs all the time.
On the other hand, circumstances can cause codependency. For instance, trauma can lead to feelings of codependency with a close relationship. If you experience trauma with the other person, you might both become codependent upon one another. Some couples found themselves growing more codependent in the wake of COVID-19, because they became each other’s entire support network. Even after the lockdowns ended, it was difficult to break out of the habit.
How To Break Free of Codependency
But no one can be everything to another person, at least not sustainably. Eventually, you will need to learn healthier relationship skills and break free of codependency. Here are a few ways to do so:
Work On Being Honest In Your Communication
When you’re in a codependent relationship, you may try to do everything with that person. That means engaging with their interests, whether you like them or not. A healthier relationship is one that can understand, “We both like different things, so we don’t have to do everything together.” But before you can get to that point, you have to learn to be honest in your communication. You need to be able to tell the other person what you like and don’t like, and when you’re not interested in joining them for something.
This can be difficult when you’ve spent a long time saying yes. You might fear an extinction burst from the other person. However, if they are supportive and want to work towards a healthier relationship, they will learn to accept you even when you say no.
Work On Your Self-Esteem
The essential element to breaking free of codependency is to develop a sense of self-worth that is not determined by your relationship. That means you will need to work on your self-esteem. Try cutting out negative self-talk and judgments, even jokingly. Keep a journal in which you write down three things you like about yourself each day. It will be hard at first, but it will become easier as it goes along. The stronger your sense of self becomes, the less likely you will be to give in to codependency.
Set (and Respect) Boundaries
One of the hardest things to do when you’re learning not to be codependent is to set boundaries. Again, there may be that fear of an extinction burst, but it is important to push through anyway. Let your partner know what you’re comfortable with and not comfortable with.
Remember that boundaries are something that is placed on yourself. A boundary cannot be “You never say or do this.” Instead, your boundary would be, “I am telling you that saying or doing this makes me feel unsafe. If you continue to do so, I will leave the room.” Likewise, listen to your partner’s boundaries and respect them rather than trying to push back.
Carve Out Some Alone Time
It may be helpful for you and the other person to carve out some alone time. If you both work from home, maybe one of you can go work at the library or a coffee shop for the day. Maybe you could take yourself out on a “self-date” on the weekend. You need to become comfortable spending time alone. This will also make the time that you spend with the other person more valuable and meaningful.
Speak to a Therapist or Counselor
A therapist or counselor can help you as an individual, or they might be able to counsel you as a couple. In individual therapy, you can work on building your self-esteem and learning to be comfortable with spending time alone. In couples therapy, you might work on strengthening your communication, appreciation of one another, and respecting each other’s boundaries. Couples therapy can also help to even out an imbalance in the relationship.
Whether you’re interested in couples therapy or individual therapy, Rivia Mind is here to help. Contact us today to learn more or to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with one of our skilled and compassionate clinicians.
Resources:
- Family Matters: Combating Codependency – The United States Army
