There’s no question that your relationships and the way you interact with them play a large role in your overall mental wellness. On the other side of the coin, your mental health can impact your relationships. The steadier you are in your mental health, the better you’ll be able to gauge a healthy relationship and exhibit healthy interpersonal behaviors yourself. One thing to keep in mind is your attachment style. So what are the different attachment styles? Which one is yours, and how does it impact your relationships? Let’s break them down.
The attachment theory was developed by James Bowlby in the 1950s, positing that an attachment style was formed as early as infancy, between mother and child. Those attachment styles would go on to impact the child for the rest of their relationships going forward. Of course, people form other relationships in their life, and those relationships may also impact their attachment style. But the most significant, Bowlby believed, was the relationship between mother and child.
Secure Attachment Style
Those with a secure attachment style have experienced formative relationships that felt secure, loving, and caring. Because of this, they’re able to approach new relationships with confidence. The secure attachment style is the attachment style that most people aspire to have.
In a secure attachment style, children seek comfort from their caregivers. When their caregiver leaves, a child with a secure attachment style may cry or show visible distress, and they will be happy to see them return. As adults, those with a secure attachment style seek that comfort from their friends and partners, and they’re happy when those friends and partners in turn seek comfort from them.
Someone with a secure attachment style tends to be trusting in their relationships, which allows them to be open with their emotions, whether happy or sad or anything in between. They tend to have higher self-esteem overall, with less doubt or anxiety when it comes to their relationships.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style
Anxious-ambivalent attachment style, or simply anxious attachment style, is more often characterized by low self-esteem and doubt when it comes to relationships.
A child who develops an anxious-ambivalent attachment style often does so because their caregiver was inconsistent and unpredictable in their treatment of them. Sometimes their parents were there for them and attentive to their needs, while other times they were distant or unavailable. The result is that anxious-ambivalent children were left with a sense of insecurity, not knowing whether their needs would be met, and this insecurity followed them into adulthood.
Those with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style struggle to trust their friends and romantic partners. They may have trouble committing to a relationship, fearing the emotional roller coaster that it might bring. Jealousy is common with this attachment style. Others in an anxious-ambivalent attachment style can be clingy and needy, constantly seeking validation and yearning for those moments where their emotional needs can be met instead of neglected. When they feel neglected or lonely, those with an anxious attachment style may become angry or self-critical.
Disorganized Attachment Style
A disorganized attachment style can often form as a result of abuse or trauma. When a child comes to fear their caregivers, they may try to cater their behavior to whatever will lead to the least conflict. This can be difficult when their caregivers display erratic or unpredictable behavior. This can lead to a fearful, disorganized attachment style in adulthood.
Those with a disorganized attachment style want to find love and comfort in their relationships. However, they are deeply afraid of being hurt by the people they allow close to them. They may push away their loved ones out of fear of being hurt, or they may react very defensively at the slightest hint of conflict. Someone with a disorganized attachment style may fear that they are unlovable and may feel a deep sense of shame when it comes to their relationships.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Finally, there’s the avoidant attachment style. The avoidant attachment style comes as a result of neglect on the part of a child’s caregivers. When a child learns that their needs will not be met by their caregiver, they begin to deny those needs in order to keep their caregivers close.
In adulthood, those with avoidant attachment styles still expect not to have any of their needs met in their relationships, and may hold those in relationships with them at a distance. Someone with an avoidant attachment style is not likely to express how they are feeling and may in fact refuse help or support from relationships. They may take normal expressions of affection as “clinginess.” They are also reluctant to allow their partner to rely on them when they need support.
Avoidant attachment style can also sometimes come with disordered eating patterns, or at the very least abnormal eating patterns. This can come from the habit of having to feed themselves as a child, leading to odd hours or unhealthy feelings about eating. Children who grew up in a household with many siblings where there wasn’t enough to go around may, for instance, develop a disordered sense of eating out of a subconscious fear that if they don’t binge, they won’t be able to eat.
Are You Trapped In Your Attachment Style?
Anxious-ambivalent, disorganized, and avoidant attachment styles can all impact relationships in ways that could be destructive more than helpful. While it can be difficult to break free of your attachment style, especially when you’ve dealt with it for most of your life, it is possible to come to a more secure place in your relationships. By working through trauma therapy or interpersonal therapy (IPT), you can learn how to handle relationships — both romantic and platonic — in a healthy way.
Rivia Mind has a number of therapists who are all skilled at exploring interpersonal challenges and the root issues that could have caused those challenges. Do you want to work on your attachment style? Contact Rivia Mind today to speak to a mental health provider or schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
